WiTc|H|y (witchmooon) wrote in loud,

METAL SLUDGE!!! (sludge cola? WHAT!?)



For the most part, Album Reviews are gay. They're usually done by failed musicians who are totally bitter or some geek who has never picked up an instrument in his life. They like to use big, fancy words to show you that they are educated "journalists" and write sentences such as, "detonates a rhythmic depth charge that pulsates your soul, sucking us into the despair that lies in its wake, and the groove ladden title track rocks with reckless abandon!" Like that makes any fucking sense? They actually think their reviews mean something and should be taken seriously. And half the time when you're done reading the review you have no idea what you just read. You shouldn't need a dictionary to understand a simple rock CD review! This isn't fucking Rikki Rockett science!

So at Metal Sludge, we'll review albums in a language you can understand. You'll know if it sucks or if it's worth buying with language so simple, even a Slaughter fan would understand. We don't take any of these reviews seriously and neither should you. Why rely on our opinion you lazy bastard? Go buy the fucking CD yourself and make up your own mind. What do we know?

By the way, if one of us says a CD is good, that doesn't mean the rest of us might think so. What's cool to Jani Bon Neil might suck to Ozzy Stillbourne, and vice versa. The reviews don't reflect Metal Sludge's opinion, just the reviewers. We try to give the CDs we review to the writer who will most likely enjoy the CD, but sometimes a CD just sucks so much it's impossible to enjoy by anybody. Also, some of these reviews are done by a few Freelancers! These are people Metal Sludge knows and somewhat endorses as knowledgeable reviewers, but they only write for this part of the page.

Now here is a breakdown of the rating system.

The Cover
This is the first thing you see in a record store. Does the cover make your nuts dance? Does it part your butt hair? Does it make sense? Does it relate to the CD title? That's what we'll let you know!
1 = Generic as fuck. Probably looks like a computer printout.
2 = This sucks. Who's kidding who?
3 = Unoriginal and boring.
4 = Not quite average, but a little bit of thought went into it. A little.
5 = Since this is 5, that means it's average stupid ass. What else would a 5 out of 10 mean?
6 = Decent.
7 = This is cool. It's thought out and makes sense.
8 = This looks really good and professional.
9 = Almost perfect!
10 = A perfect cover. Probably contains nudity or something vulgar. We enjoy that shit. This is rare though.

The Booklet
Are there lyrics? Photos? Credits? Is it easy to read? Is there cool shit to look at? Here is how we'll rate the booklets.
1 = A one page panel or something probably made by Perris Records.
2 = Probably some cheap, black & white crap not worth pissing on.
3 = The typical booklet a local band would do.
4 = Almost average, but not quite.
5 = Typical shit with lyrics, thanks, and maybe a photo.
6 = A bit above average, nothing too exciting, but not bad.
7 = Better than 6!
8 = Not as good as 9!
9 = A high quality booklet with some money and thought behind it.
10 = A totally devastating booklet the probably features profanity, nudity, or all sorts of colorful shit. Well worth the price of the CD just to see. A Metal Sludge mention also gets an automatic 10.

The Songs
Probably the most important part of a CD, don't you think?
1 = You'd rather have Mike Tyson punch you in the genitals repeatedly than listen to this piece of shit.
2 = If you were to try and sell this to a used CD store, they'd slap the lips off your face, belly-to-belly suplex you through 2 flaming tables covered in thumbtacks, twist both your nipples counter clockwise, and then give you a flying reverse upside down DDT into a barrel of broken glass.
3 = This is a CD you'll hide from your friends so they don't see it in your CD collection.
4 = Not worth buying, but if you can steal it, what the hell. Use it for a beer coaster when you're done listening to it.
5 = After a week of listening to this, you'll get bored with it and move on.
6 = Good enough to listen to for a few weeks to a month.
7 = This is cool.
8 = The bomb diggity!
9 = You'll probably play this again and again like a retard until your friends get really sick and tired of listening to it and break your CD player.
10 = These albums will blow your face off and you�ll end up looking like Sloth from the Goonies. Nuff said.

Reviews are in alphabetical order, bitch. So before you head to the store and spend your food stamps on the latest CD, check out our reviews first so you know what is worth buying.

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